This article was inspired by the insightful work from UKAT on the signs and challenges of secret drinking. Below, we take a closer look at why people hide their drinking, what warning signs to watch for, and how to approach the issue with understanding.
For many people, alcohol is woven into the fabric of social gatherings, family meals, or celebrations. But when drinking becomes a secretive ritual, hidden from the eyes of loved ones, it often signals a deeper problem. Recognising when someone you care about is hiding their drinking is never easy—it takes empathy, patience, and a willingness to look past surface appearances. Secret drinking goes beyond the occasional quiet glass of wine after a tough day. It’s a pattern: deliberately hiding how much, how often, or even whether one drinks at all. This isn’t about being discreet for politeness’ sake—it’s about concealing a habit that’s begun to feel risky, shameful, or uncontrollable.
A person struggling with alcohol may:
- Lie about the amount they’ve had.
- Disguise alcohol in water bottles or soft drink cans.
- Drink alone, away from friends, family, or colleagues.
- Minimise or outright deny the role alcohol is playing in their life.
Why the secrecy? For some, it’s fear of judgement. For others, it’s denial—they don’t want to admit, even to themselves, that drinking is no longer under control. Many hide their use to avoid concern from those who love them, to escape confrontation, or because shame has begun to cloud their daily routine.
Why Do People Hide Their Drinking?
No two stories are identical, but some patterns crop up again and again. Adults who drink in secret might have started out social drinking but slowly lost control. They may be coping with stress, trauma, or anxiety, using alcohol as a form of self-medication.
Reasons include:
- Embarrassment: They worry what others will think.
- Denial: They don’t want to admit there’s a problem.
- Routine dependence: Alcohol becomes a “normal” part of daily life, even if others wouldn’t see it that way.
- Family or social pressure: Fear of disappointing loved ones.
- Past trauma: Trying to numb pain that hasn’t been addressed.
Hiding drinking isn’t just a matter of avoiding trouble—it’s often a complex psychological defense mechanism. Many people who secretly drink are locked in an internal battle between the desire to change and the fear of facing reality. Admitting a problem can feel like admitting personal failure or weakness, especially in cultures or families where self-control is highly valued. By keeping their drinking hidden, individuals try to protect their self-image and maintain the illusion that everything is under control, even as their relationship with alcohol quietly worsens.
Secrecy also allows a person to avoid difficult conversations and the potential consequences of being “found out.” The thought of disappointing loved ones, risking relationships, or facing judgement can be overwhelming. To avoid confrontation, a secret drinker may compartmentalize their life—maintaining a responsible, successful front while privately struggling with alcohol. This dual existence is emotionally exhausting, often breeding anxiety and further detachment from those who care most.
On a deeper level, hiding alcohol abuse often stems from unresolved pain or unmet needs. For some, drinking in secret is a way to cope with trauma, loneliness, or persistent feelings of inadequacy. Instead of seeking help or support, they turn inward, using alcohol as a shield against uncomfortable emotions. Over time, the habit of secrecy reinforces itself—fuelled by guilt and shame—making it harder to reach out for help and breaking down trust, both in themselves and in their closest relationships.
What Are the Classic Signs of a Secret Drinker?
Detecting secret drinking can be difficult—after all, people often become very skilled at hiding it. But if you’re worried about someone, here are red flags to watch for:
1. Unexplained Disappearances
They might slip away at odd times—“just popping out for a minute” or finding reasons to be alone, whether at home, work, or social events.
2. Hidden Bottles or Cans
Finding empty bottles in unusual places—at the back of a wardrobe, under car seats, tucked in garden sheds, or behind stacks in the pantry—is a clear warning. Some hide alcohol in household items, refill water bottles with spirits, or stash miniatures in desk drawers.
3. Changes in Behaviour
Mood swings, irritability, sudden secrecy, or withdrawing from regular activities can signal that something is off. Secret drinkers often get defensive or evasive if asked about their drinking.
4. Physical Signs
You might notice:
- Smelling of mouthwash, mints, or gum (trying to mask alcohol breath)
- Unexplained tiredness or grogginess in the morning
- Red eyes, shaky hands, or changes in complexion
5. Excuses and Cover Stories
They may frequently claim they’ve only had one drink, or that someone else is responsible for empty bottles. Stories about “meeting up with friends” or “work events” can be vague or inconsistent.
6. Drinking Alone
Drinking late at night, or isolating themselves in rooms or spaces where others aren’t around, is common. They may choose times when others are asleep or out of the house.
7. Problems at Work or Home
Increased absenteeism, unexplained sick days, declining work performance, or financial trouble can point to hidden drinking. Tension with family or friends may also increase.
Why Is Hiding Drinking Dangerous?’
Hiding drinking isn’t just about keeping a habit out of sight—it sets off a chain of psychological and emotional effects that can deeply harm the individual and those around them. Here’s a closer look at why secret drinking is so dangerous, both mentally and practically.
1. The Isolation Trap: How Secrecy Fuels Dependence
When someone begins hiding their drinking, they often distance themselves from friends, family, and colleagues. This self-imposed isolation is partly to avoid judgment or concern, but it also creates a lonely environment where drinking can escalate unchecked. Without trusted people to notice the warning signs or step in, it becomes far easier to drink more and more, deepening the cycle of dependence.
2. Shame, Guilt, and the Cycle of Silence
Secrecy breeds shame. Hiding a problem makes it feel taboo, which increases guilt and lowers self-esteem. This emotional pain is often numbed with more alcohol, but the relief is temporary. Each time the person drinks in secret, the shame grows, making it less likely they’ll reach out for help. This cycle becomes a trap that feels almost impossible to escape.
3. Unchecked Drinking Leads to Greater Harm
One of the biggest dangers of secret drinking is that there’s no one to help set limits. When drinking goes unobserved, it often increases over time. The person may not recognize how much they’re consuming or the impact it’s having on their body and mind. Escalating use can quickly move from problematic to dangerous, putting their health at serious risk.
4. Mental Health Declines
Hiding an addiction is mentally exhausting. The constant worry about being discovered, the lies and cover-ups, and the underlying shame all pile up. This stress can trigger or worsen mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Many people end up in a spiral—drinking to escape emotional pain, only to create more pain in the process.
5. Financial and Legal Trouble
When someone is drinking in secret, they might spend more than they can afford on alcohol or make poor decisions while under the influence. Hiding expenses or making risky choices (like drinking and driving) can lead to legal issues or financial crisis. Because these behaviours happen in secret, problems often go unnoticed until they become severe.
6. Relationships Suffer
Trust is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. When someone is hiding their drinking, they often lie or withdraw, which breaks down communication and trust. Partners, friends, and family may feel hurt, confused, or betrayed. Over time, these relationships may become strained or even break entirely, leaving the person even more isolated.
7. Increased Risk of Accidents and Injury
Drinking alone and in secret can lead to dangerous situations. The person may take risks they wouldn’t otherwise—like operating a vehicle, cooking, or handling equipment while impaired—without anyone around to help if something goes wrong. This raises the likelihood of accidents, injury, or even medical emergencies that go unnoticed.
8. The Vicious Cycle: Why It’s Hard to Break Free
All these factors combine to create a self-reinforcing loop. The more someone hides their drinking, the more problems build up—emotionally, socially, and physically. As the consequences become harder to hide, the secrecy intensifies, and reaching out for help feels more daunting than ever.
Breaking the Silence
Understanding the psychology behind secret drinking is the first step to breaking the cycle. Recovery begins with openness—by talking to someone trustworthy, seeking professional support, or even admitting the problem to oneself. Ending the secrecy can open the door to real help, healing, and a healthier future.
How to Approach a Secret Drinker
If you suspect someone you care about is hiding their drinking, your instinct might be to confront them or try to control their behaviour. But this often leads to defensiveness or withdrawal. A better approach is rooted in empathy and support.
1. Choose the Right Time and Place
Pick a calm, private moment—never in the middle of an argument or when they are intoxicated.
2. Express Concern Without Judgement
Use “I” statements. For example, “I’ve noticed you seem more withdrawn lately and I’m worried about you,” rather than “You’re hiding your drinking and you need to stop.”
3. Be Ready for Denial
Many people aren’t ready to admit they have a problem, even to themselves. Don’t push for immediate confessions—plant the seed that you care and that help is available.
4. Avoid Enabling
Don’t cover up for their drinking, make excuses to others, or help them hide the consequences. Tough love is often needed: supporting recovery, not the secret.
5. Offer Support, Not Ultimatums
Let them know you’re there to listen or help them find professional support when they’re ready. Share resources or offer to help them make a call or send an email.
When to Seek Professional Help
Alcohol dependence isn’t something most people can “just snap out of.” If the person is unable or unwilling to seek help themselves, you can reach out to professionals or local support groups for advice on how best to proceed.
If you are in South Africa, organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous South Africa, SANCA (South African National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence), or local rehab centres can provide support and practical guidance. Globally, hotlines and support networks exist to offer help at any stage.